Tough love or connection – which to prioritise for healthy development?

Social skills are one of the biggest predictors of lifelong success, including mental health, relationship success, and the development of a sense of purpose. One key factor in developing these skills is a child's ability to understand that other people’s beliefs and feelings can be different from their own—a concept known as "Theory of Mind."

A common finding in research is that warmth and authority in parenting styles can play a significant role in the development of theory of mind and many other key social and emotional skills.

If we look at these two distinct choices—tough love vs. prioritising connection—we can see four different styles.

Authoritarian: Low Warmth, High Authority
Being cold and strictly enforcing rules is called authoritarian parenting. It focuses on compliance and subsequent punishment, often challenging the relationship with the child and potentially impacting their self-esteem and pro-social development.

A 2019 study by Jones et al. found that children raised with authoritarian parenting often experience higher levels of anxiety and lower social competence. The lack of emotional warmth and open communication makes it difficult for children to express themselves, and they may feel alienated or misunderstood. These children are also more likely to internalise negative emotions and struggle to manage them in a healthy way. Additionally, authoritarian parenting has been linked to lower self-esteem and higher levels of stress, as children aren’t encouraged to express their opinions or needs (Jones et al., 2019).

Further research by Miller et al. (2020) showed that authoritarian parenting is associated with increased aggression in children. The harshness of this style can lead to resentment and rebellion, which in turn fosters behavioural issues that are difficult to manage as children grow older. This approach can also hinder the development of empathy, as children may become defensive or disconnected from their emotional experiences.

Neglectful or Uninvolved: Low Warmth, Low Authority
Being cold but not having or enforcing rules is called neglectful parenting. It leaves children on their own to figure out the world and has a devastating impact on brain development, emotion regulation, and language skills.

Permissive: High Warmth, Low Authority
Being warm with our kids but not having or enforcing rules is called permissive parenting. This lack of guidance can lead children to have a really hard time when the expectations of school and peer relationships begin. Permissive parenting is marked by warmth and affection without enforcing rules or discipline. While children may feel loved and nurtured, they can struggle when it comes to handling the expectations of school and peer relationships.

Research by Simmons and McKenna (2021) showed that permissive parenting is linked to increased impulsivity and poor self-regulation in children. These children often have difficulty controlling their emotions and actions, especially in structured environments like school. The lack of discipline at home means that these children have fewer opportunities to develop essential skills such as responsibility, time management, and self-discipline—all of which are critical for success in educational and social settings (Simmons & McKenna, 2021).

Furthermore, Robertson et al. (2020) found that permissive parenting is linked to lower academic performance in Australian children. The lack of structure and expectations at home leaves children unprepared for the demands of school, often leading to difficulties with academic tasks, poor attendance, and unhealthy study habits. These children may also struggle with perseverance, making it harder for them to cope with challenges in more structured environments.

Authoritative: High Warmth, High Authority
Being warm and enforcing rules is called authoritative parenting. We have a lot of evidence suggesting that it’s the most effective style because it promotes healthy self-esteem, goal-setting, and the development of perspective-taking and conflict resolution.

In authoritative parenting, the warmth of the relationship comes before the rules, and typically families discuss and make the rules together. This way, the child learns the reason behind the rule and can have a shared understanding of its importance. As children get older, their autonomy and input into the rules can increase, building their sense of self and role in the family unit. It’s what all of us should aim for and is closely tied to the healthy development of theory of mind.

While there are various parenting styles, research clearly shows that a warm, flexible, collaborative, and yet firm approach is the most effective in helping children develop the skills they need for lifelong success. Striking a balance between connection and structure is key to supporting your child’s social, emotional, and cognitive growth.

Charlotte | Student Wellbeing Psychologist

References

Jones, L., Hunter, D., & Dawson, J. (2019). Parenting styles and their influence on adolescent emotional regulation in Australia. Australian & New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry, 53(2), 148-156.

Miller, K., Brown, A., & Walters, D. (2020). The impact of authoritarian parenting on child aggression and social competence: A longitudinal Australian study. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 61(4), 431-439.

Robertson, K., Collins, R., & Wright, M. (2020). Parenting styles and academic outcomes in Australian children. Australian Journal of Education, 64(1), 44-58.

Simmons, P., & McKenna, L. (2021). The effects of permissive parenting on child behaviour: An Australian perspective. Australian Journal of Social Issues, 56(2), 173-189.