Wellbeing Corner with our Student Wellbeing Psychologist
Helping Your Child Grow Emotional Intelligence:
A Guide for Parents
Hi Parents,
In the last newsletter, I spoke about different parenting styles and how the way we parent and set rules can influence our child's morals. This week, I want to talk about something equally important—how helping our children navigate their emotions is one of the best ways they can learn to build resilience. And we all know, sometimes those feelings can seem like they’re ruling the roost!
It’s easy to feel overwhelmed when our kids are upset or frustrated. Their big emotions can throw us off track and make it hard to know how to respond. But Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert on child development, suggests that understanding and guiding children through their emotions isn’t just about “getting them to calm down.” It’s about using those moments as opportunities to help them build the emotional intelligence and resilience they’ll need as they grow.
The Power of Emotions in Parenting
When children are young, they don’t yet have the skills to regulate their emotions. Sometimes, it can feel like they’re stuck in the middle of a storm, with their emotions driving the ship. But that’s where we, as parents, can step in. Instead of shutting down or ignoring their feelings, we can guide them through these emotional moments—helping them understand what they’re feeling and how to handle it in a healthy way.
Dr. Gottman highlights five steps for us to follow when we’re helping our kids deal with big feelings. These steps are part of what he calls “Emotion Coaching,” and they’re all about teaching kids how to name and manage their emotions—so they can become more resilient, confident, and better able to handle whatever life throws their way.
The Five Steps of Emotion Coaching
- Be aware of your child’s emotions:
First, take a moment to really notice what’s going on. Is your child angry, sad, or frustrated? By recognising their emotional state, you can start to understand what they’re going through. - See emotions as a teaching moment:
Rather than brushing off or ignoring your child’s feelings, treat those moments as chances to teach them how to understand and manage those emotions. Big feelings are part of life, and this is your opportunity to guide them through it. - Listen with empathy and validate their feelings:
It’s important to let your child know you understand how they’re feeling. When we validate their emotions—saying something like, “I can see you're really upset right now”—it shows them that their feelings matter. This builds trust and helps them feel heard. - Help your child label their emotions:
Give your child the words to describe what they’re feeling. Help them put their emotions into words, whether they’re “angry,” “frustrated,” or “sad.” The more they understand and can name their feelings, the easier it will be for them to manage them in the future.
Set limits and guide problem-solving:
While it’s important to acknowledge and validate their emotions, we also need to help them figure out how to deal with those feelings. Set boundaries and guide your child towards healthy ways to cope with their emotions - whether that’s taking deep breaths, walking away from the situation, or finding a solution together. In addition we also have to be able to co-regulate with our children and explain where the boundaries are. Explaining that although they may be angry but you cannot hit people when you are angry OR I understand you are scared and sad but we have to go to school even when we don’t want to. We then as parents have to follow through on this boundary and do as we say!
Why It Matters
When we help our kids work through their emotions, we’re teaching them a vital life skill: resilience. Resilience is the ability to bounce back from setbacks, deal with challenges, and stay strong in tough situations. By guiding our children through their emotions, we’re helping them build that strength from the inside out. They learn that emotions are natural and manageable—and that they don’t have to control them. Instead, they can learn to understand, cope with, and use those emotions in healthy ways.
How to Start Today
So, how can we start putting these strategies into practice? The next time your child is feeling overwhelmed or upset, take a deep breath and try to be present with them. Don’t rush to solve the problem or shut down their feelings. Instead, focus on listening, empathising, and guiding them through their emotions.
Over time, these small moments of connection and understanding will help your child develop the emotional intelligence and resilience they need to thrive—both now and in the future.
Charlotte | Student Wellbeing Psychologist
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